Tomorrow Is My 30th Birthday...

And the two things I've been primarily thinking about is moving on from my situation, and the day after, which is the nine year mark of my mother's death. To say it's a drag to be turning 30, yet still living at home, is a drag, annoying, and frustrating. I haven't been able to get a job, and as I try to get a job, day by day there is more and more strain on my relationship with my dad.

I'd like for that to not be the case, but the sad part is it's true. Kind of hard for it not to be, as his negativity gets the best of not only myself, but my brothers. If bashing was a sport, he'd be an all-star, going into the hall of fame. That's an even more sobering realization (to say the least).


More and more it seems that since I've gone to church, and have made connections that I never had before, he's embraced the bashing, and the negativity. Sometimes I wonder how things would have been, had I done things differently when my mom died. In the years following her death, I had to make sure I was home for my younger brother, and was primarily responsible in keeping him on track with his school work, and had I not done so, he wouldn't have graduated.

I really couldn't get a job during those years, as I didn't have my license, and I was going to school full time then, and like I said having to stay on top of my brother, making sure he stayed on top of things. Then there's the panic/anxiety attack I had (in my sleep, felt like a heart attack), which took me close to two years to get over. I'm pretty sure that the reason why it happened was I kept my emotions bottled up (following my mom's death, for about three years).

The first time I cried about my mom's death was the night of, and day after, and afterwards, I kept it bottled up for three years. When I let it out, it was during an argument, and then didn't do much afterwards, until I had the attack in my sleep.

The thing is, since I've started going to church regularly (every week, and being a part of first college group, and since then a home church), I've felt my life start to change for the better. There are other aspects that haven't changed yet, but for the most part, there's more of a positive influence in my life, and I think it's past over my father, and in a sense I think it's made him jealous among other things. I'm sure there's more I can go on about, but I'll leave this entry here as is.