Back From Hiatus (Kind of)

Or maybe not. I haven't really felt the desire to write about anything lately. The latest with me is my father passed away, which now leaves myself and my two brothers without parents, as my mom passed away from cancer 10 years ago. Like my mom, my dad's battle with cancer was also a short one, with probably being shorter (in terms of when it was diagnosed). In retrospect, they probably both went through it the same amount of time, or one just ahead of the other.

My mother passed away the day after my 21st birthday, and a week before Mother's Day, and my father passed away the week after Father's Day. Go figure. It's almost like they had bad timing or something, although we never know when it is our time. If I've learned anything through helping out my dad and mother (because I helped out a lot with both, and I was the main caregiver with my dad, and did a lot of stuff back when my mom went through her battle), it's that each day presents you a new challenge. One day can be a good day (and with a good day, it will still leave you tired, and you will have to do a lot of helping out), and the next day could be a bad day (leaving you just as tired out, with even more to do to help out), to days where you get a mixture of both.

It's the first time my two brothers (ages 23 & 35) got to see someone on their death bed. I saw my mom on her's the day she passed, along with my dad and I believe my mom's mom. It doesn't get any easier seeing someone like that, but it is what it is with life. I've also realized that I'm quite capable of helping out if someone needs a caregiver down the line, and I may even look into it down the line, but as of right now, I'm not sure.

As of right now, all my brothers and I can do is take it one day at a time. I've had my moments where it's hard, and some days there are a lot, and I imagine it will be that way for quite some time. There is a somber feeling knowing that things that I used to do with my dad, and plans that we had, are now over with. It's the same feeling I got 10 years ago. I was close with my mom, and I was just as close, if not closer with my dad. I know for a fact I had more common hobbies with my dad, but we all did things together that now we can't go on with. I'm referring to things like going out to Angel games with my dad (we still have several games left in the season to go to, with the next games being this upcoming week - July 2nd through the 4th, going to the movies on a holiday, and eating out afterwards, or before, depending on the time of the movie(s), as my brothers and my dad would often see at least two movies on a holiday. Things such as shopping now change, and I did a lot of the shopping with him. I didn't buy a lot (hard to do without a job), but I would help him. Shopping for clothes and other things for the house is something mostly myself and my younger brother did, and again that now changes.

As much as I will miss things like those and more, I am relieved that he is no longer feeling pain. It's a comfort, a very weird comfort, but comfort indeed knowing he's in a better place. Before he passed, he did tell my older brother and myself that he was proud of us. When I helped him with his medication (both orally and other means), he did tell me I was a good man. That felt weird to hear him say that to be honest, but it was nice to hear.

The Process With My Dad

It's tough. Normally seeing my dad with energy, now he can't do anything. He was telling me this morning that I was up before anyone, but I can't do anything. Then he was telling me how there's things he wants to do, but can't do anything, and that he's scared. Scared because of his situation, and that he can't hardly eat anything. It's hard not knowing what to tell him. He apologized for his situation, and all I can tell him is it's ok.

It's really hard and gut wrenching watching someone that would normally be outside doing yardwork (it was his hobby), now barely be able to sit in a room outside of the bedroom. Now that my dad is dealing with hospice, it's like the same thing with my mom. Back then my mom was in hospice, I just didn't remember that's what it was. The only thing is, she didn't get the big bed that my dad got, but did get the oxygen, the camote, and not sure what else, and there were nurses coming in and out, but that was all I remember, and just like I helped out with my mom, I'm doing the same with my dad, along with my brothers, and church family, and neighbors.

Feels Like Deja Vu

Well there's no easy way to put it. Yesterday was probably the third worst day I've experienced. First two were when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, second was when she passed, and yesterday was when my father was diagnosed with cancer. Stage IV cancer. He's been given 6 months to live, and advised to get things in order fairly quickly. It's a hard situation (probably putting it lightly) for my brothers and myself. We live at home with our dad, so first things first, we will be setting up a living trust, and go from there. Living wise, we'll have to see how that pan's out. All three of us need jobs (my older brother, 35, is working), but I haven't been able to get a job, & I have no credit, and the same goes for my younger brother (he's 23).

I'm the only one driving, and pretty much looking a lot of major responsibilities falling on me. It's looking like it will be a while before my dad is allowed to come home from the hospital, and unfortunately, it wouldn't surprise me if he never comes home (sadly). I pretty much only got about two hours of sleep last night, waking myself crying through the night. Coming to a realization that I won't be able to go to baseball games with him this summer and beyond. We have quite a few games to go to, and we're planning on going down to Anaheim July 2-4th for the Cardinals series, which is their first time coming down to Anaheim. Father's Day is also approaching, and I wanted to get Padres tickets for us, so we could go back down for a game or two, as we did it last year, and it was a great experience. I reserved two tickets for the October 5th concert down in Chula Vista for Maroon 5 & Kelly Clarkson that we most likely won't get to go to now. I have to pick the tickets up on the day of the concert.