Conflicted

Pretty much for a while now, I've been pretty much conflicted inside. I feel like my life is headed more and more towards a life following God, and I want my life to head that way, and the more I feel it growing, the more I feel my relationship with my father, and to a smaller extent the rest of my family heading a different direction. There is a ton of negativity with my father, and more and more it's hard to live with it, but I'm stuck here until I get a job, save up and move. It sounds easier said then done, especially when you consider how ugly the economy and how tough it is to find work (at least for me) in it.

If you would have told me probably two years ago that church could impact my life the way it has, I probably wouldn't have believed you, and quite honestly, probably wouldn't have cared much, for prior to July of 2010, and pretty much from 2008/09 to that month of 2010, I literally stopped caring, and started giving up. I've pretty much have dealt with depression from 2003 onwards. Largely in part due to my mother's death among other factors in 2003. She died the day after my 21st birthday. Weird thing is I had dreams before my mother's death, and it didn't surprise me, even up to where we'd be at picking up her urn, and dreams in large part have also been a contributing factor to my depression.

Then there's the panic attack I had in my sleep back in March of 2005. That set me back a few years. It wasn't until I went on a diet, and walking at night regiment of 2 hours nightly that I got over it. I went from 300 plus pounds to 165. I went on this diet in 2007, and I was on it until the summer of 2009. For whatever reason, well there are several. I literally had no physical friends at the time, wasn't in a relationship (still not in one, nor have I ever been in one) and was dealing with loneliness among other things. It wasn't a pretty picture or sight in 2008 to June of 2010. I used to write a lot back then, but my writings got more and more dark, and I had thoughts of death, and well there were a few times I tried, albeit briefly.

Before I started attending the church I go to now in July of 2010, I thought about enlisting in the National Guard. At the time I was 215. I got as far as taking the test, and what stopped me from going forward at the time, was the fact when it came time to stating how many people you knew for background check, I really didn't know many people, and my past thoughts and attempts on suicide made me rethink it. About a week or so afterwards, I noticed flyers for the church I go to, and went the Sunday after the last showing. For a person like me (quiet, shy, that was a big step, but I felt a calling).

Fast forward to today, and I've been going ever since, and have made friendships, much needed ones at that, and ones rooted in the love of and for God. For the first time in almost a decade I'm starting to feel a sense of happiness, among other things. I feel more connected with the church then I do my family at home, and I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but I do.